Make Another Choice

Yesterday was my beginners’ attempt at self-mastery. A friend who knew me even before I knew myself told me that I am one of the most self aware people he knows (in that I knew who and what I am; as well as what my flaws are) but my greatest challenge is to master myself. I’m still struggling with what that exactly means but I think it’s about self-acceptance; self-love and the realization that at any given point, if something is not working for you any longer (even if it’s part of you), you CAN make another choice. And in making another choice, that is how unfold the person God created you to be and master that self. So yesterday, and this week in fact, has been my beginner’s attempt at this. In the other book I’m reading, Eat, Pray, Love, the author says that prayer is half the work done, the rest is up to you to act on. So if I pray to God to be healed and to let go and all the other fervent prayers I send to him on a daily basis, it is also up to me to actively be involved in the process by doing the things that bring me healing and joy and letting go of those things that no longer work for me. For me, one of the things that bring me joy is Bikram Yoga. It is one of the most grueling and fulfilling physical, mental and spiritual exercises I’ve ever done. It is held in a 45-degree hot studio and each pose (there are 26) is done twice, with many of them requiring you to stay in them for a minute. The instructors, unlike other forms of ‘kind yoga’ are usually tough and strict…do one thing wrong and they call you in front of everyone. So it’s kind of like the Auschwitz of all the yogas but perhaps because of this, it is also the most healing – physically, spiritually and mentally. Yesterday, running late for my yoga class, I forgot my water bottle, which is essential if you are going to make it through that scorching 90 minutes. As I entered the room, I decided to challenge myself to go through the practice without any water AND try to stay in ALL the poses for their full duration. It was hard. I was at the back of the class, falling over, throat-dry and head dizzy, not knowing how I was going to make it through but knowing I needed to. Until my instructor said to me: ‘Lelethu, don’t suffer and the back all on your own, come to the front so we can all suffer together…and please rest, when you need to.’ I think she could see how hard I was pushing myself and she was reminding me that in whatever quest I am on, I should remember to be kind to myself. That too, is a form of self-mastery as it eradicates the ego’s need to always be the best, right, first. It turns the journey inward and allows you to listen to yourself; hone your personal best; accept where you are at that moment and master that. She was also reminding me that in the vastness of life, you are never alone. There is always someone, who is willing to suffer with you, so don’t treat yourself in isolation. I honestly now believe that everything in life has its opposite. The measure with which you feel pain is also the measure, with which you are given joy. The measure with which you are wounded, is also the measure with which you have the potential to heal. So I’m making another choice to use my pain and woundedness to discover my joy and healing. It makes my heart leap in bounds.

Be Obedient

This refers to listening to the voice inside your head because it’s a higher calling. Listening to that truth that won’t let you go and writhes you every waking hour. There are so many voices inside my head that sometimes I struggle to hear the voice and tone of God. I’ve spent so many nights praying to hear the tone of God – waiting anxiously and fearfully to hear his supposed wrath of his will come over me – surely nothing good or nothing like I want. Torturing myself with many voices in my head all because I’m too afraid to listen to the one voice that is. I kind of feel like that kid whose parents don’t get her what she wants for her birthday and she sulks and doesn’t see that maybe the other gift they’ve gotten her may be even better than the one she wanted. That’s what my life feels like right now – God is giving me a tremendous gift but because I’m so fixated on what it needed to look, feel and act like when it arrived, I can’t see that it has in fact arrived – just in a different experience but still the same thing I spent months praying for. Receiving a gift is the hardest thing to do. The times when I’ve heard God is when he tells me: ‘I have a bigger plan for you.’ ‘Let go’ ‘Yes’ ‘Be With Him.’ The other constant thoughts are that I need to travel Africa, I need to write about her to the world and I need to let go and have faith that I can do all these things without losing the love of my life or that if we do lose each other, then God will find a way for us to find each other. (What God ordains, God sustains – this was the other thought, which appeared to us on a billboard while driving home one day).
Those are the constant thoughts that run through my head in the midst of all my fear about his bigger plan. My greatest prayer right now is the courage to listen to God as well as the humility and courage to surrender to him and his will. That is my greatest struggle and prayer.

Yourself vs. Yourself

I am about to finish reading One Day My Soul Just Opened Up by Iyanla Vanzant. After this book (and Eat Pray Love), I've promised myself that I'm going to take a hiatus from self-help books and help myself by just living life. Reading ODMSJOP, I instinctively knew that although it is very cleansing because it allows you to write about each experience/chapter/lesson as you read it, the real work really starts once you've finished the book because that's when you have to live the truths that you've read and stated in your own words while reading the book. So this has been my challenge - actually doing the work that I've read and making it work in my life - I think that is the challenge with most self-help books...making it work for you.

Anyway, as part of my quest to help heal and heal myself, I'm going to be posting some of the key learnings of the book from the last five pages. Below is the first one:

Tell The Truth…

What is my truth right now? The truth is I don’t know where I’m going or who I am at times. I seem to be a contradiction at best. On good days I’m a lovely young woman who is on her journey of life, love and joy – and that is enough(Lelethu). On other days, I am a monster who is sabotaging the very efforts she is making to attain the things she wants in life; the very things she’s too afraid to have(Leza). On good days, I am so connected to God, he breathes my breath and I can feel him next to me as if he was whispering in my ear. On other days, I shun him and don’t want to hear him or his Will for fear that it will not be what I want, not knowing that it will be better than what I want. My truth right now is that fear is wrecking me. I am afraid of EVERYTHING – letting go – of my past, myself, love; building my dreams – sometimes I wonder if they even are my dreams – what I should really be doing or are they something I do to give my directionless life some direction? I’ve never been this confused in my life! I’m usually the girl who knows where she’s headed and just goes for it – fear or not (Matric, AAA, Instant Grass, TL) but now I’ve lost my chutzpah. Somewhere along the line, I lost that zing, that absolute arrogant faith that I am the future. I think that it’s a lesson of humility, or at least a lesson of placing my greatness in God, rather than myself or other people. Sometimes, I think that the reason I’ve lost my chutzpah, is Leza’s way of punishing me. She knows that she is the one with the magic and chutzpah but she also knows that her days in me are numbered because there are things about her that don’t work for me anymore – so she withholds it within me while emphasizing it in others, just so I can see how much I need her. The truth is I do – she is the personality, the face and the person who sells us; the person with the power to make things happen but she needs me to. She needs me because in her heart, she knows it’s time to heal but she’s holding on to what she knows (even though it is damaging her and me) because that’s all she knows. Everything else is the unknown…and that means she has no control. And she’s too proud to surrender to God’s control. She needs me because, getting drunk, falling over and embarrassing herself and others around her, literally and figuratively is no longer fun…and she knows it’s time to end it. The truth is I am on a journey of healing and being put back together. Leza vs. Lelethu is a most puzzling piece but I will get it right.

Don't Wait 'Till Its Too Late

I'm listening to one of my favourite tracks by Alicia Keys - Tell You Something. This song reminds me of all the times we spend as people wasting energy, love and time on things that don't matter. And how truly for granted we take the blessing of being able to be loved and love someone. Have you ever been in a situation where you waited till it was too late? You waited till it was too late to tell someone that you care about them; how you really feel instead of fronting; you shrunk in the face of fear instead of loving boldly and fearlessly without focusing on how long that would last.

'Just a simple Conversation. Just a moment is all it takes. I want to be there just to listen. And I don't want to hesitate...' Alicia Keys

There are things in my life I don't know. I don't know how long I'm going to be here for. I don't know how long I'm going to be in your life for but I know that in this moment that God has given us, I am blessed. I've made it my adage to do everything 'like its' the last time' - I don't know if it's God hinting at my life's span or just making me appreciate this moment right here. It doesn't matter. I want to live and love to the fullest; with an open heart and hungry mind and an observant soul. This is just a short one to say: Take the time to right the wrong; say that all you have to say...don't wait until the storm or something is wrong and you can't find the one you love.'

Mwah!

I Am My Hair Phase Three: Braid My Hair

Braids. My favourite of all time – braids are my self-preservation hairstyle. Self preservation of my hair against the windy winters; self-preservation of my humility and having new conversations because the best braids I’ve ever done, have been at the dodgiest hair salons – the tin containers on the side of the streets in Mdantsane; the living room at Svig’s house up the road from my house, the taxi rank in Cape Town, the Swazi owned hair salon opposite the Nigerian restaurant where I would wolf down Naija cuisine in downtown Joburg. These are the places where I would have the most insightful conversations about people and their lives. There’s something about being at a hair salon that gets tongues wagging and after an entire day spent listening to dramatic tale after dramatic tale, I would go home fully sated – with my hair and the knowledge (or gossip) I’d gained. My most recent braided hairstyle is the one I have now – a wild and big Afro-ish mess of hair which, everytime I have down, brings out my inner diva…makes me wanna put on a pair of skinnies, wifebeater and heels and strut down to the hottest party to get down with my girls; or do like Lil’ Wayne (there he is again) and tell you off like he does Al Sharpton in ‘Don’t Get it.’ My wild braids bring out my inner B…the chutzpah I’d toned down to earth with my small twist locks that were my in-between hairstyles hairstyle.

So I think, ultimately I believe that I am my hair – not in the sense of ‘making me a better friend or person’ as Ms India.Arie challenges in her song, but in the sense of the things my hairstyles teach about me; the experiences I have when I adorn them (which are ALL very different) and the different shades of ME I discover with each style I choose to define (or find definition) by.

I Am My Hair Phase 2: Beweaving in the Weave

Like any other ‘deep’ sister, I struggled with bought hair, especially the weave. I spent years judging girls who wore weaves, not really understanding why I did – it just sounded like the deeply right thing to do. But I couldn’t help but always notice how much fun those girls always seemed to be having. How they always looked stylish, flicking their hair behind their ears in that carefree way that I- and them -had only seen blondes and brunettes do. So when one day, I started drowning in my own depth, I decided to go blonde the only way a black woman can, without actually going blonde. I got a weave. I remember guiltily and gleefully staring back at my reflection in the mirror, my complexion starkly contrasted by the strange texture of ‘human’ hair. Already, without even stepping out of the hair salon, the fun had found me. I knew I was going to have a ball having a weave. Unfortunately though, I didn’t get as much support from my soul sistah crew, who spent hours analyzing my hairstyle and what it said about my regression while I…flicked my weave my hair behind my ears, of course. The funniest thing about having a weave is how much reaction it causes – it’s the Lil’ Wayne (I’m still gonna blog about him!) of hairstyles – you love to hate it but you kinda like it. Especially guys…deep brothers front for it like it’s the worst thing in the world to have a receipt for hair but the ones I’ve spoken to have all admitted that whenever they see a chick with a weave, they get a little excited, like they wanna take her home, flip her over and have her from the back. (Yep, soul brothers have sex too!). The script I liked to flip on them though was actually knowing what I was talking about in a conversation (because the assumption is always that if you have a weave you must not be too bright). But I also realized, just like Ms Thandiswa Mazwai said about being thin, with a weave, I was only interested in being desirable, not interesting. I paid more attention to my characteristics than my character. So eventually, I knew that I wouldn’t spend my life in a weave (just like I wouldn’t spend my life in any one hairstyle) and moved on to find out what other hairstyles could tell me about myself.

I Am My Hair Phase 3: C'mon and braid my hair...

I Am My Hair Phase One: The Chiskop Chick

I love India.Arie. She speaks to me in ways which conversations with people I'm closest to, haven’t at times. Her wisdom and insights shows me truths that I’m sometimes to caught up in living in my own head to feel. When she sang: 'My mama told me a lady ain't what she wears but what she knows,' in Video Girl, I knew that, even though I wasn't the 'pantyhose-wearing type' of lady, I was a woman worth knowing. When she serenaded her Brown Skinned man in the park, asking him where his people are from, I traced the origins of my brown skinned man on the kinky hair that curled his chest. When she lamented being ready for love and it not being ready for her, I accepted that it’s OK for you to love someone who's not ready to love you…and let them go. Finally, most recently, when she flew in the Wings of Forgiveness for a man who had given her everything to her and then heart achingly tore it all away, it dawned me that just like she croons: 'If Nelson Mandela can forgive his oppressors then surely I can forgive you for your passions.'

But there's one song that I've always sung along to, 'inside knowing it wasn't true (for me). I Am Not My Hair. Having been brought up to believe that hair is a woman's crown, I spent years trying to live up to this ideal – relaxing my hair when I could finally tell my mom: ‘No, I would not like to do the perm and have gel dripping from my ears and forehead!’ In my early teens I sported the ‘Toni Braxton’ (relax, cut and tong) because I really wanted to look like her and the guy who was the master of the Toni Braxton cut at Le Curl hair salon was ultra-cute. Back then, I exuded what Ms India.Arie would sing about later - I wasn’t my hair, my hairstyles were just that – styles – they came and went.

But when I came back from a coming of age holiday in Cape Town in 1998, I cut off all my hair as a symbol of new beginnings. I’d finally plucked up the courage to get out of a relationship that had passed its’ sell-by date. In that year I was also to discover the rebel in me – signaled in school by promptly being sent to detention for my shocking and attention-grabbing hairstyle; signaled in my life by my showing norm and societal expectations the middle finger in every way; signaled in my growth by learning the other side of me – the exciting but dangerously destructive side that gets off on treading way too closely to the edge. Over the years, my chiskop has always been a metaphor for change in my life…. the thing I did to give me courage to do something new … or say goodbye to something old. For guys, the chiskopped me showed off my ghetto-ness – the girl you didn’t dare mess with but asked her friends for her number.

What happens when a deep sister sheds her fro for a weave? Find out in I Am My Hair Phase 2: Getting Beweaved

Facing Fear and Finding Freedom

I think my calling is to use my life's experiences to help others heal, especially women and young girls. Our gender, for all its power and majesty is also so broken and this brokenness manifests itself in various ways in our everyday life and limits us from fulfilling our greatness as a generation and individuals. I'm one of these women and my solace in this is knowing that even though I am broken, God has all the pieces and he is in the midst of fixing me. Over the next few posts, I will be discussing more of these universal topics in the hope that somewhere, somehow, someone is touched and a healing conversation is begun.

FIGHTING FEAR
For as long I can remember I have been scared. Fear in my life showed up as a lump in my throat, a knotted pain in my stomach, a chill in my back, a spasm in my abdomen. First fear trapped me in a corner, disabling me from doing the very thing that it made me afraid to do. Then over the years, I learnt to use it as my fuel - fear nourishes courage - as the adage goes. I learnt to measure the things worth doing in life by the fear I felt for them - falling in love, learning something new, going to a new country, having a conversation with someone new. I thought I had conquered fear and made it my friend but it wasn't until I read One day My Soul Just Opened Up by Iyanla Vanzant where she speaks about fear wearing many faces - laziness is the fear of success, failure or both for instance, that I realised that I had not in fact won this foe over, it just came to the party dressed differently, eluding the bouncer at the door.

Over the past few months, I've sat in fear's claustrophobic embrace, not moving an inch and allowing it to take over my life. Instead of it helping me overcome itself, it dictated my life - what I didn't do, didn't say, wasn't. It was only on the way home to East London, my retreat, when a voice in my head said: 'Fight.' All this time I'd thought that I had to just own fear and that would be it. But owning fear also means fighting it...with faith and faith is greatest shown in action. I know this is sounding preachy but I've also recently made peace with that I am an spiritually interrogative soul so everything I do, say, am must be grounded or explicable in Divine Wisdom. So again, I decided to change my response to fear. if it wasn't going anywhere, then me and it were going to sit down and have a mojito. Everytime I felt the fear of something that commanded more out of me, I surrendered. Everytime a little voice tells me it can't be done, isn't meant to be, won't be - I surrender. I tell it: 'That too is OK, because it will be God teaching us and in God's teachings there is unconditional love, so we can only grow great.' I think that gives me freedom from fear. I know that for the next while, I am going to wake up with fear attacking me from every angle but I pray to remember to surrender, even if that's the only thing I can do at that moment.
I read something freeing in a book called Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert, that I'd like to share with you:

INSTRUCTIONS FOR FREEDOM

Life's metaphors are God's instructions.
You have just climbed up and above the roof. There is nothing between you and the Infinite. Now, Let Go.
The day is ending. It's time for something new that was beautiful to turn into something else that is beautiful. Now Let, Go.
Your wish for resolution was a prayer. Your being here is God's response. Let go, and watch the stars come out - on the outstide and outside.
With all your heart, ask for grace, and let go.
With all your heart, forgive him, FORGIVE YOURSELF, and Let Him Go.
Let your intentions be freedom from useless suffering. Then, Let Go.
Watch the heat of day pass into the cool night. Let Go.
When the karma of a relationship is done, only love remains. It's safe. Let Go.
When the past has passed from you at last, Let Go. Then climb down and begin the rest of your life. With Great Joy.

A tribute to Ashanti Kakaza

Ashanti Kakaza
Born: 08 August 1984
Died: 25 June 2008

'When a young person's life suddenly stops, life stops. Questions run through our minds about the injustice of the a life cut so short. But, in a way that we will never understand, she has served her purpose and we serve as her witnesses.'

Ashanti’s death has made me take stock of my life. It’s funny that her death, someone whom I wasn’t close to in the end, has impacted me in the way that no-one’s death since perhaps my father’s has impacted me. But then again last night, I was thinking that maybe I was close to her - in a way I never knew until now. Someone reminded me that in high school, I co-wrote a play that detailed her life to the tee – in the way she lived and the way she died- and the most hectic thing was that she was the lead actress in the play. I remember why we chose her – her voice. It was true and present…it gave her an ethereal divinity and she seemed almost fragile standing on that stage and performing that big role. And somehow, I think she has guided my talent to write and depict life and love through stories. She once wrote to me that I inspired her to be a better person, that even if she were to die today or tomorrow, I should know that I impacted her life. I didn’t take it seriously then – I hate being put on a pedestal because it makes me feel like I can’t be human but over the last week, since we heard of her passing – memories of her have been coming to me. I think she’s inspired me to write a book about us – The Greats, as we were called in high school. We always joked that I would be the one that wrote about us and our shenanigans and up until I met Zelipa Zulu who opened me up to a world of imagination, research through travel and just going to where you’ve never been with your writing, I didn’t really think I had that much of a story to tell. But on Friday, sitting in the bus with my friend Vangz , she teaching me all the lessons God is teaching her and humbling me to His infinite and divine love, I started feeling and seeing the characters form in my head. The five of us - each with their own story to tell, intricacies that make them up, journeys that join and divide us. I want to write this book as a tribute to her – Ashanti, who believed in my talent when no-one, myself included else even saw it. I thank God for her life – no matter how shortlived it was, she fulfilled the purpose God had planted in her soul – maybe that was to re-awaken us to our greatness. She has done her work and we serve as her witnesses.

Out of the Loop PLUS TWTATS: I'm Still In Love With My Ex

This past weekend, I went home to East London for a friend's funeral. There is no 3g connection in Mdantsane so I've been out of the loop since Friday.
In any case, here is the last installment of Things We're Too Afraid To Say: I'm Still in Love with My Ex

I was in a two year and nine month-old relationship and things were going well but I was also falling for my ex (we were high school sweethearts, he was my first, the one guy I'd truly loved and we'd been communicating all these years). It's weird when you find yourself in a place where your mind knows you shouldn't, but your heart couldn't be bothered and just wants to enjoy the buzz it gets every time he calls. July 2007 was finally crunch time - no more sneaking around and enjoying forbidden pleasures. No more ignoring the call with the special ringtone, no more trying to pretend to be at places you aren’t. It was time to make a choice and stick to it.
I took a good look at myself and this was one of those defining moments, when I realized who and what I am. I will do anything to make sure that I live my life the way I want. I wasn't prepared to be held ransom by the fact that good or bad things had happened in the past. I had a part to play in what happened to me and therefore no one can lay claim to "making me happy." On that basis I made a decision to get back together with my ex. It wasn't that easy but it was damn worth it – eight months into the relationship and we're already making plans to get married. It may not be all roses and cherries all the time, but it is exactly where I want to be.

Things We're Too Afraid To Say Part 2 - 'I choose to be single'

For me, it was a matter of lights being dimmed slowly until eventually they were blown out completely. Every time I was reminded that I don’t have a partner, that I’m not part of a couple, that no one calls me their ‘lovey’ and that that made me less of a social participant, the lights were being dimmed.
But last week the lights were blacked out on a long weekend away to the Waterberg alone. I was looking forward to a road trip listening to my favourite tunes without apology, time in the bush surrounded by the symphonic silence of nature with only my thoughts knocking noisily around my head. Good food, time at the spa to unknot the tension, no guilt about staring at the sky, only to ponder the stars. Bliss.
At dinner, the lights dimmed once more as tables joining the dining room passed me with looks of terrible sympathy. Waiter after ranger after maitre d’ kept asking if I was okay – seemingly I couldn’t enjoy myself alone. By the end of dinner when I went outside to finish my glass of red and smuggle a cigarette to mouth, I, too had started to doubt how I could possibly have been having even a small amount of fun on my own. I retired to my suite and as I sat in my bed for several minutes wondering whether something was wrong with me, I almost lost a sense of myself.
Driving back home the next day, looking forward to the rest of the weekend by myself – I realised that I was comfortable spending time by myself, even in public. It was other people who made me pity my state of solitude.
I’m 30 and single and might never get married but I refuse to spend time with an unsuitable man just so I can lubricate social networks. I’m so used to being single and finding joy in its freedom and can’t believe how uncomfortable my status makes other people feel. I cannot bear the unhappiness that often men and women endure to get their stamp of approval to come on board two by two by two onto the park of acceptance.Yesterday I went for a walk with a friend of mine and I was glad to be in his company. I looked over to a girl sitting and reading a book, by herself in ankle-length grass, under the bluest sky we’ve seen in Joburg in the last few days. I thought to myself – “Actually, I’d be just as happy over there.”

Midweek Fashion Find:Steve Madden and Mantsho

The Apprentice SA co-winner and businesswoman Zanele Batyashe once told me that when she's wearing a killer pair of heels, she feels like she can take over the world. This morning, after attending the breakfast launch for American shoe brand Steve Madden at the Melrose Arch hotel, and receiving a stunning pair of closed high heel pat leather pumps, I found myself totally agreeing with her. Though they served us cocktail food which was way too rich to eat mid-morning, the launch was great. Apparently the shoes will retail between R399 - R699 going up the price tier as the brand grows in SA. Still have to find out where they'll be sold, though. True Love fashion ed, Mpumi Ntintili-Sinxoto looking stunning post her maternity as well as O's fashion ed, Primrose Moloantoa who looked effortlessly stylish as usual. It's amazing how many women in the industry are so tired of working for other people and everyone is slowly but surely hustling to do their own thing. I think whether or not all our business ideas succeed, bulldog ambition and hard work towards our dreams can only make us stronger as a generation.



Backtracking to the weekend, I sale hopped with my sister from Newtown (Maria Mc Cloy's earring stand at the Zasekhaya Market) to Rosebank (The Mantsho Winter Sale at Capitol). At both sales, I managed to calm myself down to buying just one or two items - music note shaped copper earrings at Maria's sale and a stunning off-white goddess gown with a rouged bustier and flowing bottom. STUNNING! Palesa (Mantsho creator) gave us a glimpse of her summer range by wearing a tailored tiered bubble-esque skirt with a high waist. I love how she intricately and carefully constructs her clothing that it looks like wearable art and you KNOW no-one else will look like that, so you feel extra gorgeous in a Mantsho outfit. Even if you're not feeling up to the party, her outfit always give you the chic chutzpah you need to work it anywhere. I certainly have my front row seat reserved at her show at Sanlam Fashion Week in August.

Conversation Starter

If there's one thing that works in women's lives, it's talking. We love to talk about everything, even talking about talking (how many times have you said to your man or estranged friend: 'we don't talk anymore?') In my own life, talking has literally saved my life as much as it has gotten me into a lot of trouble at times. I'm one of those people for whom the gift of the gab is a life force. If I'm not talking, I'm dying. People closest to me know that if I'm quiet, then there's something terribly wrong. People I know, have come to know and don't know come up to me and talk to me. Unnannounced, some unknown and never met, they just feel comfortable enough to tell me things they wouldn't normally say to other people - things they'd be too afraid to say in their own lives.

In return, I love using their life stories as wisdom nuggets to other people that I meet and in my own life. It's amazing just how much knowledge and answers are out there, if we're willing to listen. I guess that's the point of why I've started this blog, really. To publish stories and conversations I have that change my life, impact, inspire me or touch me in any way. I hope you'll enjoy it, subscribe to it, check it out every once in a while and most importantly share you own stories too.



Lelethu

Things We're Too Afraid To Say

I am sitting on the balcony of an intimate guesthouse in a remote part of the world. In this world, the only truths are the foamed blue-green sea whose waves I can just catch a glimpse of over the neighbour’s roof; the road that leads up and down, in and out of this town; the two restaurants that are closed on Monday nights and the Parisian-meets-Victorian décor of my room - a sweet duplicity that I could be in Provence, France right now. It’s pure bliss – my phone is off and the only connection I have to the world is when I switch my laptop and 3G on. And when I’m done with the outside world and Facebook, with one click, I can switch my solitude back on again.
‘This is the life I’ve always wanted,’ I think serenely as I walk down the beach. My mind empties of life’s troubles, and almost immediately, it is flooded by things I have been too busy or too tired or couldn’t care less to think about – thoughts I didn’t even know I had anymore! Suddenly, all of them are there, waiting, like irate patients at the doctor’s rooms, to be attended to. What?! At which point, did getting away from things secretly translate into coming face to face with them?
In tears beneath my oversized sunnies, (and looking very much like a ‘rehabbie’ to residents taking evening walks along the beach), I wonder, how I, the expert emotion manipulator (my own) get to this point, where those uncomfortable feelings couldn’t be airbrushed with a satisfyingly exhausting shopping spree or a gloriously inebriating night out with the girls? At this moment, I succumb to the fact that I am here to be. The lights are being switched off in my life and in doing this, my internal truth is about to be unearthed. So I spoke to other women, from New York to Jozi about their blackout moments and what it taught them.Check out these conversations in Studio 83 magazine's The Blackout Issue on www.studio83.co.za as well as in the following blogs.

The first one is titled: 'I am stronger than I give myself credit'
Lelethu

Things We're Too Afraid To Say - I'm stronger than I give myself credit

'I have been trying to avoid thinking about how, a month ago, a very good male friend of mine tried to rape me. I have never felt such betrayal from one person in my whole life. Someone I had trusted and thought that they cared and respected me, turned around and did something so despicable and low.
I felt so dirty, like I did not even belong in my own body. To make matters worse this happened in my own house so I could not even stand to be there. All I wanted to do after it happened was crawl out of my skin and remove my self from my life, I could not bear to be alone so I moved out of my place and went to go stay with a friend. The whole thing started taking a toll on my work life because I could not concentrate in the office and I was suffering from panic attacks.That’s was probably the most scariest thing in the world as you feel like you’re going to die and the world is closing in on you. My sleep aslo started getting affected, causing my insomnia to come back. I eventually decided to go back to my house because I decided that I was tired of being a victim.The first day back was the hardest. I was sitting by myself (I live alone) and I was faced with the silence and me. This alone time made me confront what had happened and to think about it. I realised from this that I must start taking an active role in my life, that yes, bad thing happen and it’s not right and that I couldn’t change it or control it, but the one thing I could control was the way I reacted to it.
I could chose to be sad and let the creeping depression that I could feel coming on take over me or I could wake up every morning and chose to be happy.I could choose to be afraid and not want to stay in my house and let the negative memory drive me out, or I could stay there and start to create newer happier memories filled with things that made me feel good and at peace.'