Things We're Too Afraid To Say Part 2 - 'I choose to be single'

For me, it was a matter of lights being dimmed slowly until eventually they were blown out completely. Every time I was reminded that I don’t have a partner, that I’m not part of a couple, that no one calls me their ‘lovey’ and that that made me less of a social participant, the lights were being dimmed.
But last week the lights were blacked out on a long weekend away to the Waterberg alone. I was looking forward to a road trip listening to my favourite tunes without apology, time in the bush surrounded by the symphonic silence of nature with only my thoughts knocking noisily around my head. Good food, time at the spa to unknot the tension, no guilt about staring at the sky, only to ponder the stars. Bliss.
At dinner, the lights dimmed once more as tables joining the dining room passed me with looks of terrible sympathy. Waiter after ranger after maitre d’ kept asking if I was okay – seemingly I couldn’t enjoy myself alone. By the end of dinner when I went outside to finish my glass of red and smuggle a cigarette to mouth, I, too had started to doubt how I could possibly have been having even a small amount of fun on my own. I retired to my suite and as I sat in my bed for several minutes wondering whether something was wrong with me, I almost lost a sense of myself.
Driving back home the next day, looking forward to the rest of the weekend by myself – I realised that I was comfortable spending time by myself, even in public. It was other people who made me pity my state of solitude.
I’m 30 and single and might never get married but I refuse to spend time with an unsuitable man just so I can lubricate social networks. I’m so used to being single and finding joy in its freedom and can’t believe how uncomfortable my status makes other people feel. I cannot bear the unhappiness that often men and women endure to get their stamp of approval to come on board two by two by two onto the park of acceptance.Yesterday I went for a walk with a friend of mine and I was glad to be in his company. I looked over to a girl sitting and reading a book, by herself in ankle-length grass, under the bluest sky we’ve seen in Joburg in the last few days. I thought to myself – “Actually, I’d be just as happy over there.”