Make Another Choice

Yesterday was my beginners’ attempt at self-mastery. A friend who knew me even before I knew myself told me that I am one of the most self aware people he knows (in that I knew who and what I am; as well as what my flaws are) but my greatest challenge is to master myself. I’m still struggling with what that exactly means but I think it’s about self-acceptance; self-love and the realization that at any given point, if something is not working for you any longer (even if it’s part of you), you CAN make another choice. And in making another choice, that is how unfold the person God created you to be and master that self. So yesterday, and this week in fact, has been my beginner’s attempt at this. In the other book I’m reading, Eat, Pray, Love, the author says that prayer is half the work done, the rest is up to you to act on. So if I pray to God to be healed and to let go and all the other fervent prayers I send to him on a daily basis, it is also up to me to actively be involved in the process by doing the things that bring me healing and joy and letting go of those things that no longer work for me. For me, one of the things that bring me joy is Bikram Yoga. It is one of the most grueling and fulfilling physical, mental and spiritual exercises I’ve ever done. It is held in a 45-degree hot studio and each pose (there are 26) is done twice, with many of them requiring you to stay in them for a minute. The instructors, unlike other forms of ‘kind yoga’ are usually tough and strict…do one thing wrong and they call you in front of everyone. So it’s kind of like the Auschwitz of all the yogas but perhaps because of this, it is also the most healing – physically, spiritually and mentally. Yesterday, running late for my yoga class, I forgot my water bottle, which is essential if you are going to make it through that scorching 90 minutes. As I entered the room, I decided to challenge myself to go through the practice without any water AND try to stay in ALL the poses for their full duration. It was hard. I was at the back of the class, falling over, throat-dry and head dizzy, not knowing how I was going to make it through but knowing I needed to. Until my instructor said to me: ‘Lelethu, don’t suffer and the back all on your own, come to the front so we can all suffer together…and please rest, when you need to.’ I think she could see how hard I was pushing myself and she was reminding me that in whatever quest I am on, I should remember to be kind to myself. That too, is a form of self-mastery as it eradicates the ego’s need to always be the best, right, first. It turns the journey inward and allows you to listen to yourself; hone your personal best; accept where you are at that moment and master that. She was also reminding me that in the vastness of life, you are never alone. There is always someone, who is willing to suffer with you, so don’t treat yourself in isolation. I honestly now believe that everything in life has its opposite. The measure with which you feel pain is also the measure, with which you are given joy. The measure with which you are wounded, is also the measure with which you have the potential to heal. So I’m making another choice to use my pain and woundedness to discover my joy and healing. It makes my heart leap in bounds.