Be Obedient

This refers to listening to the voice inside your head because it’s a higher calling. Listening to that truth that won’t let you go and writhes you every waking hour. There are so many voices inside my head that sometimes I struggle to hear the voice and tone of God. I’ve spent so many nights praying to hear the tone of God – waiting anxiously and fearfully to hear his supposed wrath of his will come over me – surely nothing good or nothing like I want. Torturing myself with many voices in my head all because I’m too afraid to listen to the one voice that is. I kind of feel like that kid whose parents don’t get her what she wants for her birthday and she sulks and doesn’t see that maybe the other gift they’ve gotten her may be even better than the one she wanted. That’s what my life feels like right now – God is giving me a tremendous gift but because I’m so fixated on what it needed to look, feel and act like when it arrived, I can’t see that it has in fact arrived – just in a different experience but still the same thing I spent months praying for. Receiving a gift is the hardest thing to do. The times when I’ve heard God is when he tells me: ‘I have a bigger plan for you.’ ‘Let go’ ‘Yes’ ‘Be With Him.’ The other constant thoughts are that I need to travel Africa, I need to write about her to the world and I need to let go and have faith that I can do all these things without losing the love of my life or that if we do lose each other, then God will find a way for us to find each other. (What God ordains, God sustains – this was the other thought, which appeared to us on a billboard while driving home one day).
Those are the constant thoughts that run through my head in the midst of all my fear about his bigger plan. My greatest prayer right now is the courage to listen to God as well as the humility and courage to surrender to him and his will. That is my greatest struggle and prayer.