Yourself vs. Yourself

I am about to finish reading One Day My Soul Just Opened Up by Iyanla Vanzant. After this book (and Eat Pray Love), I've promised myself that I'm going to take a hiatus from self-help books and help myself by just living life. Reading ODMSJOP, I instinctively knew that although it is very cleansing because it allows you to write about each experience/chapter/lesson as you read it, the real work really starts once you've finished the book because that's when you have to live the truths that you've read and stated in your own words while reading the book. So this has been my challenge - actually doing the work that I've read and making it work in my life - I think that is the challenge with most self-help books...making it work for you.

Anyway, as part of my quest to help heal and heal myself, I'm going to be posting some of the key learnings of the book from the last five pages. Below is the first one:

Tell The Truth…

What is my truth right now? The truth is I don’t know where I’m going or who I am at times. I seem to be a contradiction at best. On good days I’m a lovely young woman who is on her journey of life, love and joy – and that is enough(Lelethu). On other days, I am a monster who is sabotaging the very efforts she is making to attain the things she wants in life; the very things she’s too afraid to have(Leza). On good days, I am so connected to God, he breathes my breath and I can feel him next to me as if he was whispering in my ear. On other days, I shun him and don’t want to hear him or his Will for fear that it will not be what I want, not knowing that it will be better than what I want. My truth right now is that fear is wrecking me. I am afraid of EVERYTHING – letting go – of my past, myself, love; building my dreams – sometimes I wonder if they even are my dreams – what I should really be doing or are they something I do to give my directionless life some direction? I’ve never been this confused in my life! I’m usually the girl who knows where she’s headed and just goes for it – fear or not (Matric, AAA, Instant Grass, TL) but now I’ve lost my chutzpah. Somewhere along the line, I lost that zing, that absolute arrogant faith that I am the future. I think that it’s a lesson of humility, or at least a lesson of placing my greatness in God, rather than myself or other people. Sometimes, I think that the reason I’ve lost my chutzpah, is Leza’s way of punishing me. She knows that she is the one with the magic and chutzpah but she also knows that her days in me are numbered because there are things about her that don’t work for me anymore – so she withholds it within me while emphasizing it in others, just so I can see how much I need her. The truth is I do – she is the personality, the face and the person who sells us; the person with the power to make things happen but she needs me to. She needs me because in her heart, she knows it’s time to heal but she’s holding on to what she knows (even though it is damaging her and me) because that’s all she knows. Everything else is the unknown…and that means she has no control. And she’s too proud to surrender to God’s control. She needs me because, getting drunk, falling over and embarrassing herself and others around her, literally and figuratively is no longer fun…and she knows it’s time to end it. The truth is I am on a journey of healing and being put back together. Leza vs. Lelethu is a most puzzling piece but I will get it right.